There’s not much I can share at the moment. I’m processing so many things in my head, it almost feels like my brain has been frozen for the past five months 🤐

Thank you all so much for your support. Some of you, I don’t even know who you are, and yet you’ve supported me anyway—seriously, who are you? 😳

If there’s one thing I’d say before the big finale, it’s this: despite the suffering and everything I’ve been going through, I can see that I’ve changed. Dare I say it? I’ve grown. I’ve learned so many things that truly make my life more beautiful than ever before.

I’m not a son of desperation anymore (at least that’s what I keep telling myself until my brain fully believes it 🤓). I’m a son of the Most High—and that’s quite an achievement for doing absolutely nothing!

Thank you again. I’ll post the link to the graduation ceremony live on Instagram if you’d like to follow along.

P.S. I’ve got my birthday party the week after—muaahaha 😎

God is good, God is loving, God is kind.

And somehow, He chose to teach me that through… beaches à volonté and a bunch of unexpected people on little islands in Japan.

God is good

On every island, I met new people that I’m genuinely so grateful for.

If I wasn’t here on this outreach, our paths would have never crossed, and that thought honestly blows my mind. I don’t know what roles we’re going to have in each other’s lives in the future, but I can really see some “for life” friendships forming, and that makes my heart so, so full.

God is good in the way He writes stories we would’ve never dared to imagine.

God is loving

I feel like I’ve been living in a constant vulnerable state. Letting go, letting God, and then trying again when I realize I grabbed everything back with my little anxious hands.

In the middle of that, I can feel His patience and His love toward me, despite my shortcomings. I keep thinking:

How many people did I hurt here without meaning to?

How many mistakes did I make?

How many things did I not do “right”?

And yet, my mistakes do not define me. God does.

He adopted me in 2018 and He never looked back. I am the one always looking back, rechecking, re-questioning, but He doesn’t. He just keeps calling me His son, over and over again.

God is kind

One thing I’m learning: God doesn’t rush me.

He waits for my readiness. He doesn’t force Himself on me. He is always gentle. A good, good Father. I honestly have no words for how kind He is with my little heart.

Every time I think, “I should be further by now,” He just sits with me where I am.

Miyakojima is where I wrote my last post about 2025.

It’s the place where I learned to be more open to God’s miracles through any church setting – even when it’s more conservative than what I’m used to. God doesn’t need my preferred style of worship to move. He just… moves.

And I’m slowly learning to not put Him in my tiny little boxes.

Okinawa honestly felt like living in a hotel. Everything was so organized and clean, it almost felt like paradise.

At one point, someone even reminded me to take off my slippers before going into the prayer room. That small detail touched me so much – the care, the respect, the cleanliness, the sense of order. It made the space feel special.

We did some gardening (yes, me, in a garden, can you imagine?), and it was actually so life-giving. Dirt, plants, sun, and God.

One night, we were invited to a gathering where different church representatives came together to pray and encourage each other for the year. They blessed one another, spoke life over each other, and carried this heart for a united Church.

That vision brought tears to the eyes of my heart. I was so moved and encouraged. The Church is so much bigger and more beautiful than we think when we only look at our little corner.

And as a bonus, we met a DTS team from Norway there. They were pretty cool. File that under “unexpected gifts from God.”

In Yoron, the beaches are the most accessible. Like, truly beaches à volonté. You turn around and there’s the sea again.

We also met another team from Norway here. And I have to say: I’m so grateful and see the work they’ve been doing. The prayer walks, the service, the way they love the islanders… it’s so humbling to witness.

At this point, if this Norway trend continues, I might wanna go live in Norway if that continues 😂

Next destination: Okinoerabu on the 29th for 20 days.

More islands, more people, more chances to see God being good, loving, and kind in ways I don’t expect.

And then… I really can’t wait to meet my French friends again who are coming in March to celebrate both the end of my training and my birthday.

TSCHUSS ! 😂

PS : Book a plane ticket and join me from March 13th to March 15th (and honestly, the longer the better) to celebrate my birthday haha (looking to rent a house for 3 days (if enough people)

You've been warned 😌

I’m writing this as if you were in front of me, asking that simple question my heart doesn’t know how to answer in a straight line:

“So… how was 2025?”

You already know the basic storyline from part 1, 2, 3, the DTS weeks, and outreach time, so I won’t walk you through the same doors again (you're welcome 😂). What I want to share here is less about “what happened” and more about what that year actually did inside me : how a season that began in exhaustion and confusion slowly became a year I can honestly call a year of peace 🙏

2025 began with something different: I wasn’t alone on New Year’s Eve (shout out to Argentina 🥳). A friend pulled me into her circle and refused to let me disappear quietly into my room and into my thoughts. It was just a night with people, laughter, and warmth, but for a heart that had been expecting isolation, it felt like a quiet act of rescue.

Looking back, that evening was a small picture of the whole year: God not fixing everything at once, but refusing to leave me alone in my darkness.

One of the main themes of 2025 was the presence of people who stayed, not with dramatic gestures, but in simple, faithful ways. A message sent at the right time (even letters, yes, letters! 😂). An invitation when I was pulling away. Leaders who didn’t give up on me when my trust was low. Friends from different nations who kept pointing me back to God without forcing me (except when they really want me to do it 😒)

You’ve already met some of them in the earlier posts (can't wait for you to meet each other looooool), and one of the thing that impacted me the most was how I received their love. I began to realize they weren’t trying to fix me or measure me. They were not waiting for the “improved version” of me 😳

They loved me in the middle of my mess.

They didn’t ask me to hide it.

That kind of love slowly started to rewrite something deep inside: the belief that my presence is only welcome when I perform well or behave “right”.

A big inner battle this year was around this question:

“Is this God speaking, or is it just me?”

At the start of 2025, I thought I knew God’s voice well. By the middle of the year, I was less sure. Some choices I made in faith didn’t end like I expected. The situation with my apartment in France is one example. I believed I was obeying God, and it still turned into loss, conflict, and old wounds being reopened.

That experience didn't just hurt financially. It exposed how I acted out of fear and pressure ; anxiety I had put myself into, with no peace to guide me. I believed people would hold to their word, forgetting they can simply change their minds. I negotiated from a place of stress rather than calm, from fear rather than confidence.

I began to see a painful pattern:

• I try very hard to protect myself

• At the same time, I’m naïve and open in ways that leave me exposed

• Fear often disguises itself as “wisdom” in my decisions

At some point, I had to admit: I’m not as good at protecting myself as I thought. And strangely, that honesty became the beginning of something different.

Instead of trying to become my own perfect shield, I started asking a new question:

“How do I walk with God inside what hurts, instead of walking alone?”

It didn’t instantly solve my confusion about His voice, but it changed my posture. I became less focused on “never making a mistake again” and more focused on “not facing my mistakes alone.”

Another quiet earthquake of 2025 happened in my relationship to work and business. For a long time, my honest question was:

“How can I make money with my ideas?”

Not evil. Just limited.

But as the year went on, as I experienced generosity from God and people who had nothing to gain from me, that question started to change shape. I began to think less about how my ideas could secure my life and more about how they could serve other lives.

I still have no idea of my future projects, but I can say this:

• My sense of “good business” now includes words like service, healing, dignity, fairness, generosity

• I’m less impressed by the idea of “success” and more interested in whether people will actually be helped

All through the year, I kept asking God, “Can I start now my business? Is it time?” And again and again, I sensed the same answer:

“Not now”

Until one day, it changed to:

“Get ready”

I thought it meant launching a business. It actually meant going deeper into His training of my heart. DTS wasn’t just a school with a schedule; it became a place where God was rebuilding the way I view leadership, money, calling, and myself.

There’s one simple conversation from 2025 that still lives in me like a turning point.

After staying around the base for a while, I offered to help around July, because that’s what I know how to do: bring value, serve, work, make myself “worth keeping.” I sent a message saying, “If you need anything, I can help.”

The answer I received was unexpected:

“We don’t want you because of what you can do. We want you to just be among us and be loved”

That went against everything my survival system believes. My reflex is:

“If I’m helpful, I’m safe. If I’m productive, I’m allowed to stay.”

But here was a community ; and through them, God, telling me:

“You are allowed to exist here without paying rent with your gifts”

I still don’t fully know how to relax into that. But every time someone loves me without asking for performance first, it pushes that truth a bit deeper:

I am not mainly here to impress. I am here to learn how to be with God and with others.

Writing now from Miyakojima during outreach, I can say this honestly: this phase is beautifully painful.

I’m almost never alone. I share rooms, responsibilities, rhythms. I’m surrounded by people who love God loudly, people who process differently, people who stretch every one of my comfort zones. Add to that the weight of responsibility in the kitchen and the reality of being the oldest, and you have a mix that constantly presses on my pride, my insecurity, and my introversion.

There are moments when I want to run. There are days when I wish I could lock a door and stay alone in silence.

But in the middle of that, I can also see something growing that wasn’t there before: a deeper understanding of peace that doesn’t depend on everything around me being comfortable.

When I first heard from God that 2025 would be a year of discovering peace, I almost laughed inside. Peace, for me, sounded like a Christian slogan, something people say to avoid real conversations.

This year forced me to see it differently.

I realized that peace is not something anyone can generate by willpower. When anger rises, when frustration burns, when anxiety tightens my chest, when shame tries to rewrite the story of who I am, there is no technique that magically solves it all.

What began to change things for me was a new reflex: instead of letting my emotions drive everything, or trying to crush them, I started to invite Jesus into them as honestly and quickly as I could.

Sometimes that looked like a short, raw prayer:

“Okay Lord, I feel angry.

I feel rejected.

What do You see right now?

Where are You in this?”

He didn’t always answer with clear sentences. But the one thing that kept coming back was this quiet sense:

“I am with you in what you feel.”

Not: “You’re right about everything.”

Not: “Stay exactly as you are.”

Just: “I’m not leaving.”

That simple presence started to change how my heart handled storms. Instead of feeding every negative emotion like it was part of my identity, I began to treat them more like weeds in a garden, things I could pull up and hand over.

Still learning 🥲

But I know now that peace isn’t pretending to be calm.

Peace is knowing I’m not alone in the chaos 😭

Through the 12 weeks of lecture phase and now in outreach, I’ve become more aware of how God works in seasons. Not everything is about New Year’s resolutions or clean calendar changes. Sometimes He is just slowly building foundations that no one can see yet.

This year, He has been teaching me to involve Him earlier in my decisions, not only when things fall apart. Not as a strict judge, but as someone who actually wants to walk with me, not just comment from a distance.

I still make clumsy choices.

I still misunderstand Him sometimes.

But I ask more, listen more, and (maybe the biggest change) I trust His heart more than I did a year ago 🔥

So… how was 2025?

If I had to answer simply, I would say this:

2025 was the year God began to convince me that:

• I am not alone in what I feel

• I don’t have to be my own perfect protector

• Work and calling are about serving people, not just surviving

• Community can be a place of healing, not only a place of damage

• Peace is real, but it’s found in a Person, not in perfect circumstances

I am not “finished.” I still find things hard. I still want to run away sometimes. I still have a lot to learn in love, faith, community, and trust.

But compared to the man I was at the end of 2024, I am more at peace, more honest, a little happier, and much more willing to walk with Jesus instead of pretending I can handle everything alone 🙏

And that, for one year, feels like a lot 😂

PS : my best friend and I finished reading the plan of reading the Bible in a year ! So proud of us, so we decided to read another ! haha

Join us ! 🔥😎 : click here

Here I go!!!

These people are wild (in the best way) and they’ve been stretching me like crazy these past three months (and with the other team, you can imagine!). I’ve been pushed so hard it feels like I’m being stirred in a pot of kimchi soup kkkk

And here I am choosing to spend more time with them, even saying yes to sleeping on floors for the next two months. Are you laughing right now? Please do because I am 😂

I’m not the type to go on these kinds of missions. If you get my newsletter, you know me, so you can imagine how crazy it is that I’m even considering this! 🥴

The only explanation is God. There’s no other way to put it. There is no version of my life where I’d sign up for this kind of experience just because I want to.

Back at the beginning of DTS, when I said yes and registered, I can honestly say it was God’s will for me to be here. Since then, I’ve grown in so many ways and made U-turns on thoughts and beliefs I was stubborn about for years.

God’s grace over my life has been incredible! I’ve received so many donations toward my outreach fees, my heart and my faith are truly moved, thank you all !

Whatever’s still missing, I believe God will provide. I’m thankful in advance!

I’ve had so many experiences that showed me who God is and how I can actually live better from now on ; not “better” as in nothing bad will ever happen, but “better” as in I’m more equipped to face the world in a healthier way than ever before, what a blessing 🙏

Thank you for your support!

P.S. Message me directly if you’re curious about anything, let’s talk!

“Living Sacrifice,” Reframed

There’s this verse my dad quoted my whole life:

“Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God—this is your spiritual worship.” — Romans 12:1

Growing up, that verse justified almost everything: wake up at 5 AM for prayer? Living sacrifice. Give up your dreams? Living sacrifice. Serve until you’re exhausted? Living sacrifice.

I assumed it meant a lifetime of misery. Be miserable on purpose and call it holiness. But this week, the speaker said something I hadn’t heard: a living sacrifice isn’t about endless suffering—it’s about letting the Spirit break through your soul so your true self can be revealed. Spirit to soul (mind, will, emotions) to body—transforming how you live. The point isn’t to crush what God put in you; it’s to free it.

Back home, everything was “die to self,” “crush your desires,” “become nothing.” Here I’m hearing about “original design”: God created each of us with a unique design, purpose, gifts, and passions meant to flourish, not be buried. That idea is amazing.

I’ve always wanted to impact the world, to change something that matters. I just never felt good enough. So I stayed small. Safe. Invisible. Now I’m realizing discovering my original design isn’t about suffering—it’s about freedom. It’s about becoming who I actually am instead of living a meaningless life.

Break

Then Thursday happened. I was told not to go back to my apartment during DTS. Stay in the dorms like everyone else.

A wave of sadness hit first. Then frustration. My apartment was my one place to be alone—to breathe without eyes on me. Suddenly that was gone. It felt like my independence was being stripped away too, like I was being treated like a child who couldn’t care for himself.

All week we’d been learning about praise—the choice to praise regardless of how you feel. Even if you doubt. Even if your faith feels weak. You praise anyway. And somehow, through choosing to praise when everything in you wants to shut down, doors in God’s Kingdom open.

Sounds simple. It isn’t. Part of me wanted to leave the program. But I didn’t accuse anyone. I didn’t storm out. I was just sad and confused. No bitter edge this time. Just… need.

When worship started that evening, I made a choice to praise anyway. My voice was shaky. Quiet. I kept crying out silently: “Help me. Help me. Help me.”

And I wasn’t asking God to fix the problem. I wasn’t asking for the leadership to change their minds. I was asking Him to save me—from me. From my emotions. From the darkness creeping in.

I remember wishing one of the leaders would notice. Specifically Elijah. He feels safe.

I kept worshiping. Kept pushing through. Then something shifted—like a wave. The words coming out of my mouth changed: “It’s not about me. It’s not about me. It’s not about me.” And I broke. Full-body sobs. The kind where you can’t breathe and you don’t care who sees.

A hand on my shoulder. Elijah. He knelt and prayed:

“God wants you to know He feels what you’re feeling. He’s not far away. He’s right here—in your fear, anger, frustration, doubts. He’s enduring this with you. They're no longer your foundation. God’s love is your foundation now.”

I stood and hugged him. Legs shaking. Crying into his shoulder. And for the first time in my life, I felt what a father’s love might actually be. Not my dad’s version with conditions and expectations. Real, unconditional, safe love. Part of me wanted to run. Another part finally felt secure—like I could let my guard down and nothing bad would happen.

When worship ended, it hit even harder: life isn’t about my comfort, apartment, needs, desires, plans. It’s about God’s plan. His will. His glory. If pain is part of how I learn to give Him glory, then that’s the choice before me.

Life without God is incredibly hard. I know that. But life with God is also incredibly hard. If both are hard, why not choose the path where I’m not alone?

Since Thursday, I’m practicing praise no matter what I feel. It’s hard. It feels like growing up in fast-forward—years crammed into weeks. My soul stretches so thin I think it might tear. And still—I’m grateful. This is the fight of my life. This is THE fight. The one that decides where I’m headed, not just for this program—but for my life.

Like Eminem says in “Lose Yourself”: “You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime.” That’s how this feels. One shot to transform. To grow up. To become a man.

Maturity Update

We’ve been working with a maturity chart—infant, child, adult. Here’s where I am:

• Returning to joy from unpleasant emotions: Getting better. Instead of replaying the pain, I’m asking why it hits me so hard. The event isn’t the problem; the wound behind it is. If I heal that, I'll get resilient.

• Regulating emotions: A little progress. I’m naming what I feel without letting it take over. When anger or fear spikes, I ask: where is this coming from? What’s under it?

• Receiving from others: My default is to look for hidden motives. That reflex is softening. I can receive kindness without immediately bracing for the catch.

• Developing trust: I overshare too fast and also hide the most important parts. It’s exhausting. I’m learning I can trust with boundaries—love people and protect myself at the same time. Defenses kept me safe; keeping them forever keeps me small. I’m letting them go, bit by bit.

• The big one—Joy is relationship: I’ve spent most of my life alone. I’m good at it. Alone gives me satisfaction, not joy. Here, with people I can trust, I feel a quiet warmth in my chest. That’s joy. Being known and accepted without performing.

Joy becomes a foundation. And it’s tied to peace. Jesus is the Prince of Peace—and He is joy. Relationship with Jesus gives me both. The perfect combo.

Forever ruined

I finished a book this week: Forever Ruined for the Ordinary by Joy Dawson. It wrecked me—in a good way. It’s about hearing God’s voice—what it is, how to hear it, and why we sometimes can’t.

Pride hit me hardest. Pride and unbelief are best friends. Pride says: “I’ve got this. I can figure it out.” That’s me—constantly trying to run life solo. It’s ridiculous. I clearly don’t have it together.

So I’m choosing humility. Jesus is the King of humility. He only did what the Father did. Only spoke what the Father spoke. He had every right to act on His own—and didn’t. He submitted everything to the Father’s will.

Jesus at the Center

Without Jesus, I’m a zero with a hole in it. Everything I think I can do on my own is an illusion. The only way to live a life that matters is with Him. Nothing more, nothing less.

Jesus is the answer to every question I have

• Where to go and when

• Who to talk to and how to speak

• Which authority to submit to

• Who to trust, listen to, and serve

• Where to live

• And yes—the big one : who to marry

Community

I really like the people here. There’s something real happening—love that isn’t fake or forced, acceptance without conditions, encouragement to become who you were meant to be. To discover why you’re here.

Is it easy? Absolutely not. Some days I want to quit. Going home would be easier. But hope keeps me here—the hope of becoming someone I actually like, someone not controlled by fear or old wounds. That hope gives me courage to keep going.

Maturity isn’t a destination; it’s a daily decision. To grow. To learn. To never go back. I will mess up. I will hurt people even when I don’t want to. People will hurt me. Still, I want to learn faster. To raise the shield of faith. To become a blessing—to myself and to everyone around me.

That hope is everything.

“Being human and wanting joy are inseparable. We are creatures of joy. At its essence, joy is relational. Joy means someone is delighted to be with me and I like it! Our creator made us with brains that want to operate with joy in charge, and we want our lives to be filled with relationships that lead us to joy.”
— Living from the Heart Jesus Gave You, p.74

Starting a week on the wrong foot and ending it with a smile has almost become a habit. I don’t even need to say I’ve been shaken and worked on; I get the feeling that’s going to be the case every week, loool
So I’ll just cut to the chase.

• Joy as a foundation for life?

• What is respect from God’s perspective?

• The Immanuel Journal?

• Is judging ok ?

• Could gratitude be an escape hatch rather than facing reality?

Many points this week ran counter to my usual ways of thinking. But I also know these beliefs are the product of years of setbacks and suffering. And let’s be honest: since when do one person’s experiences define the reality of life? Are my defense mechanisms, snap judgments, and worldview based on truth ; or just an illusion I built for myself?

This week, it was hard to challenge my preconceived ideas about how a human being is meant to live. Since I was always convinced a life built on joy is unrealistic, I struggled with the idea that humans, generally speaking, can live happily on earth. The only way I imagined a happy life was basically being in heaven. Maybe that’s not as true as I thought?

I had trouble accepting the speaker’s ideas at first. She seemed like a sad person, and listening to her talk about joy being relational felt out of sync. I asked God to let me feel and see what she really carried, and I did sense a measure of joy after a while. Without going into details, when she shared her story, it’s one of the most tragic I’ve ever heard.

She earned my respect.

Without going into everything (or you’d still be reading tomorrow), here are the main points I received.

1) Judgment: yes or no?

Two ways to discern

• Past-based: discernment drawn from negative experiences that ends up clouding truth more than revealing it. I stayed stuck in this mode for a long time, drawing my “truths” and mental patterns from it.

• Truth-based: discernment that protects, rooted in the wisdom of the Holy Spirit and the Lord’s leading. Evaluating a relationship, judging a situation, sensing the atmosphere, recognizing danger : this is essential.

My suspicion toward leaders wasn’t so much about them as it was about my own safety. The real question underneath was, “Am I safe with him?”

My discernment wasn’t bad in itself; the problem was relying on it alone, which kept me in constant stress. Now, I keep discernment as protection, for me and for others, but I practice it with God: His wisdom and His love guide my trust, and that’s calming.

I still tense up when a speaker grabs the mic, sure. But I’m making progress, step by step. I’m choosing to detach from my past and lean only on His goodness, His love, His safety, and His wisdom, so I can receive from anyone God wants to use. I don’t want to block His work because of old fears, closed doors, or any other reasons I no longer allow to govern my life.

2) The Immanuel Journal

• Recall an event I’m grateful for

• Ask God for His perspective on that event

• Ask Him what He sees and hears

• Ask Him how He understands me

• Ask Him how He is with me

• Ask Him how to keep moving forward

Me, journaling? You can picture me doing that? lol
Even you don’t believe it, haha

Honestly, I’ve kept “private” journals here and there, but never regularly. I’m not the type to write down what happens to me (I kind of don’t care, lol). But here, I’m being encouraged to do it.

What bothered me most was being pushed to remember something I’m grateful for. And yeah, that’s tough: in my head, the bright memories often give way to the sad ones. That’s what’s being worked on in me, it saddens me to see I hold onto the tragic most. If you ask me for a good memory, I mostly give you names. I remember the people I feel good with, but not the events.

Yesterday afternoon we practiced. I was told to start with what I had, so I wrote a name. It was intense. When I reread it, I ended up crying. And apparently, it’s not enough to just write; sharing is part of the process. It changes things.

PS: If you want me to share what I wrote, just say the word.

3) Respect?

Without getting into details, I’ve often felt treated without respect, and I never brought it up, I just pulled away and moved on. That doesn’t fly in community. Since we see each other nearly 24/7, it’s better to resolve tensions quickly than to suffer for six months. My first reflex? Cut people off. But the staff showed themselves to be trustworthy so I was able to open up and move toward reconciliation.

For me, respect is earned. You don’t ask for it, you don’t demand it. That’s definitely my French upbringing speaking. In Korea, it’s different: automatic respect for elders, period. Merit? You’re still alive lol

Even though I lean toward “earned” respect, there’s a baseline of respect for everyone imo, especially in community. How we regard others, how we speak to them, how we approach them, how we handle conflict… to me, that’s just common sense. Being treated by younger people as if I were younger than them can be unsettling. I don’t yet know what to do with those feelings.

I’m learning to set boundaries now, something I’d never done. Saying clearly what I accept and what I don’t, without trying to control anyone. I believe there’s a real difference between control and boundaries. I don’t fully master it yet, but I’m learning, and I intend to set the frame when it’s needed.

“I’m not your buddy” : it’d be a shame to get to that point.

4) Conclusion

At the beginning of the week, I found the classes not very useful: what she said about relationships felt like common sense. Then I realized my “obvious” isn’t obvious to everyone; sometimes it’s even unknown (lol).

The most unsettling idea is that joy can only be acquired through relationship. Yes, there’s a small spark of joy in me since last week, but it keeps flickering, like an inner war.

Part of me thinks joy is unreachable, or at least naive. I want to uncover my true identity, the one God gave me at creation, the one that truly resonates and overrules my past experiences. Apparently, it’s rooted in joy, because God is its source (shocked ? Me too)

It’s a war between my heart and my brain. But for the first time, I’m starting to believe it can end in something other than defeat. Maybe joy isn’t naivety, but courage. Maybe my identity isn’t about what I’ve survived from so far, but in the One who created me.

That is hopeful.

The soul lived here not as master, but as prisoner, pacing corridors that smelled of dust and unspoken prayers, touching walls as if feeling for a pulse that had long since gone faint. In this country of endings, the gardens bore no bloom, and statues of forgotten faces watched with stone patience. The house creaked with the weight of what had been survived.

A stranger arrived as a whisper. A step so soft it barely disturbed the gravel path. He waited at the gate, cloaked in dawn’s first hue, no knock, no call, only a presence that felt like warmth returning to cold bone. The soul hid behind heavy drapes, bargaining with old defenses: What if kindness is a mask? What if hope is the cruelest wound?

At last the great door cracked, just enough to let a line of palest light cross the floor. The visitor’s face was haloed by morning. He smiled, not with pity, but recognition, as one who had seen valleys deeper than this and climbed them.

“You have built well,” He said, voice like wind through dry reeds, yet somehow tender. “But not for living. For surviving”

The words moved through the house like a tide, lifting dust, loosening nails. “It is all I know,” the soul confessed, afraid. “This manor… it is me”

“No,” He answered, and the syllable was gentle as a hand on a fevered brow. “It is what you carried. Not what you are. You have dwelt here long enough. Will you come and see what lies beyond your sorrow?”

He did not gesture to the moss-eaten towers or the shuttered eyes of the house, but past them, toward a horizon where gold and violet braided thinly, a coast faint yet undeniable. “A villa awaits,” He said. “Not of stone, but of song. Not raised on grief, but on joy”

Fear rose like old dust; leaving meant risking being hurt again, risking the unknown. But something in the marrow warmed, awakening, not burning. The soul reached for the handle that had rusted shut for ages. It turned with a long sigh, as if the door itself were relieved to remember its purpose and opened.

The soul put one foot outside, then the other.

At first, the earth was still the old earth, hard, stingy, reluctant to give. Then, under each new footfall, it softened. The wind lost its bitterness.

No one knows where this road will lead. But each step breaks a link in sorrow’s chain. Each breath is a promise whispered to the wind:

One day, I will build again, on the land called Joy

— Marc

When in your life do you ever welcome a diagnosis of where you’re really at with no problem?

In what world do you tell yourself you’re not “adult” enough, even though you’ve reached a certain age and ridden out your fair share of heavy swells?

This week wiped me out.

I’ll be honest: I’m out of strength.

And I don’t mean physical or mental strength, I’m talking about my inner strength. That part of you that calls you to become better, the part that refuses to let go.

My heart is tired, tested, worked over.

And it’s not even about people. It’s about a realization of

what I am,
who I am,
where I am,
what I want to become.

Before this week, I saw myself as a sad man. I don’t mean depression (where sadness is constant and joy is absent) I mean an unreachable happiness, a gloomy, cynical foundation. James 1 (like missionary David put it) says to count as joy every trials. In other words, it comes from forcing my soul to fix its eyes on the Kingdom, on divine goodness, from training myself to come before Him not weighed down by my suffering but with praise and a worshipful heart. That’s where He steps in and lifts my burdens beyond anything I can imagine.

Today, I see a candle with a faint flame in the middle of a dark, vacant landscape in the bleakest of universes. Could that once-unthinkable joy now become the bedrock, a pure and joyful foundation? I mean a true joy in living, the kind no event can shake. Not an erased emotion where sadness is forever banished, but a foundation so solid that the return to joy (the return to a divine, eternal hope) will no longer be toppled by passing griefs spun out by the world around me.

Reading “Living from the Heart Jesus Gave Me,” I realized I haven’t grown. I look like a “man” on the outside, but if you had binoculars to see inside, you’d find none of an adult’s qualities, only those of an infant. The traits needs in order to grow and become a child are listed here :

My joy is periodic, not foundational.
I don’t trust anyone, generally speaking.
Receive? As if.
I’ve spent years trying to teach myself to keep my emotions on a leash.
Find my way back to joy after something tragic? La-la-la...

Week by week, I’m starting to see why I’m here.

I’m at the end of my rope.

Not because it’s the end of the world, but because it feels like my soul has decided to step out of its manor of self‑pity and walk toward a new horizon, where every step is a healing ache. This divine traveler, this supernatural One, this Savior who comes as the Prince of Peace, I want to believe in Him. Again and again.

Every unseen part of me is crying out to turn back to the manor where everything is known, familiar, safe… But no, I keep pushing toward that horizon, toward a future that, for now, is only a line in the distance.

I have just one mission for the moment:

Only believe (Mark 5:36).

Personally, I don’t see why I’d rack my brain trying to figure out if something’s true or not when people in the past sometimes sacrificed their entire lives to share their discoveries. If I questioned every discovery just because I didn’t discover it myself, I’d go to my grave frustrated that I didn’t have enough time to figure everything out. And where’s the joy in living like that??

My Life Philosophy

Generally speaking, I don’t stress myself out. I have a pretty open mindset, always open to any teaching, to new ways of thinking, with endless curiosity. But you might say: “But where’s your critical thinking? How far can you lose yourself in unrealistic ideals? Isn’t it dangerous to be open to everything without boundaries?”

And that’s where the Bible comes in. It’s my framework. I use it as the foundation for all my reasoning, principles, and values. Is this a bad or good thing? Knowing that every human being is always influenced by some invisible force ; whether it’s idealism from parents, an exceptional teacher, a celebrity, an idol, a religion, or even some passion with all its experts ; every human being is a copy of someone else. I’m discovering this week just how much becoming a copy of Jesus is the best foundation on which to build my life.

You might say: “But where are you going with this reasoning, Marc? Why are you telling me all this? I want to know what you’re going through, no need to go into so much detail, I want something concrete.”

Well, here we go, ask and you shall receive hehe

Beyond Appearances

This week’s theme was “Knowing God.” All my life, I think I’ve “heard about God,” but knowing him personally? Great question.

Have I seen miracles? Yes
Have I prayed for people and they were healed? Yes
Have I prayed and had prayers answered? Yes
Have I praised God? Yes

But do I actually know him???

Can I tell you, dear reader, that I know God???

I know ABOUT him, oh yes. I can tell you how good he is, how amazing he is, and how much better off you’d be living in HIS presence than in your own, but can I tell you that I know him like no one else? Not yet.

A Challenging Week

The beginning of this week was incredibly eclectic and among the hardest of my life. So many tears, so many realizations about my real inner situation.

Monday, I got angry at the other students because I felt they were being irresponsible and religious about the evangelization programming for middle/high schoolers. After my anger, I apologized after praying, because God showed me that I was still traumatized by how my father handles the youth at his church and that I still have work to do in learning to tell the difference between healthy behavior and cult-like behavior. Both use the same vocabulary but have a different flavor, a different purpose, and I discovered I need to relearn about this subject.

Wednesday, I had a meeting with the DTS leader and shared with as much humility as possible that I didn’t appreciate her way of justifying the rules established in this school. I expressed that I didn’t understand, that my emotions were clearly due to my past and how I saw my father handle his church, and that my goal wasn’t at all to put down her leadership and criticize her, but rather to try to understand her and know why I felt like there was control based on fear and worry.

She didn’t reject or criticize me, but welcomed me and corrected me with so much love. I cried so much that day because when she told me “we are not a cult,” I felt a love that overwhelmed me, a love and acceptance that I’ve rarely experienced in my life. There were no conditions, no demands. I felt divine love that day, unconditional love from a leader I had been suspicious of.

I made the decision that day to submit to the established authority, to completely trust them, and to give them a chance to show me what it’s like to live in a healthy community, based on God’s spirit and freedom. I don’t agree with everything that’s said, but I can’t help thinking that I want to be free, FINALLY free like all those I’ve discovered on this YWAM base who were once chained, and who now show incredible and almost mind-blowing freedom.

Esther: A Divine Encounter

This week’s speaker was named Esther. A collaborator of a ministry in Germany called “Kingdom Impact” (DM me if you want more details), I have no words for why it was her, the words she used, and how she blessed me.

First, she apparently has never taught in this DTS before as the first speaker. Then, at her first class Monday morning, she opens her class by saying: “I cannot teach you to know God.” I was hooked! That was huge proof of humility to me and it opened my heart right up!

Initially, I was a bit closed off, dubious, doubtful, suspicious, wary ; the character of someone who’s constantly protecting themselves (important detail for what follows later on). She then shares that she has about twenty thick binders at home where she could have taken any one of them to teach this week, but what she felt the Holy Spirit tell her was to let herself be guided to know what to teach day by day. There, I was all ears and so expectant!

A Living Miracle

I had the privilege along with three others to have lunch with her on the first day. Seeing an incredibly positive, optimistic person who seemed genuinely happy, I asked her if she was always that happy. She explained that she’s literally a living miracle because it took her 12-13 years to realize she didn’t have the true life of Christ in her. Even though she had already been serving in ministry for 10-15 years before joining Kingdom Impact, her true new path had finally begun and here she is happy today.

Basically, she was someone not at all relationship-oriented. She was the type of person who’d prefer to be alone in a mountain cabin with her books (oh that’s me), not happy inside at all, borderline depressive (sounds like me no ?). I was shocked by the resemblance between her old description and my current description. I describe(d?) myself as being a very sad person, and honestly, I’ve always been a sad being my whole life. And seeing a human being today constantly filled with life, expressing that it comes from Christ constantly, how could I keep my heart closed and not hope?

Thursday afternoon, during the afternoon class session, she invited us all to go outside, walk in silence to the nearest supermarket, and she would buy each of us an ice cream. Then to connect with each other, and experience Christ outside the classroom. I had actually hoped for an event like that, and when I shared this wish, she told me she had never done that with students. It was the Holy Spirit that had pushed her to go out. I was so amazed.

After that, coming back from the supermarket, Esther, Julian (my DTS one on one), and I sat down and started talking.

The Turning Point

My first question was about miracles, because I struggle(d?) to understand how someone stays Christian when they’re sick and don’t see God heal them. After all those years of ministry, she’s seen miracles with new depth. Deliverance is more powerful; not in noise, but in relationship; because God is a God of relationship. She’s seen people blocked for years gradually untangle, like knots you undo with patience. And even though she’s seen incredible miracles in the past like a child being raised from the dead, she finds it even more impressive today to see people freed from their inner suffering.

She continued by telling about a very close friend of hers who’s in a wheelchair, sick with polyarthritis (if I remember correctly) and was a leader of healing sessions for 40 years. She saw people heal around her all that time, but why not her? What’s really touching is that for her, she has faith that she’s already healed, but whether her healing is now or after death doesn’t change God’s goodness and who he is at all. When I asked “but why stay Christian if you don’t get healed anyway?”, she simply answered: “and why not?”.

Since I’m sick myself in certain parts of my body, she explained that in moments like this, where I’m going through a period where my whole interior is being worked on, where my soul is stirred up, where my old wounds resurface, having physical reactions isn’t unusual. The advantage is that they don’t come up to go back down: they come up to leave once and for all (AMEN!!!!).

U Turn, Thank You

Then Esther showed me that I could be free! Marked by what I saw in my father, I had developed mistrust of pastors, leaders, etc. I put everything through a filter: every word, every posture, every decision. And I closed myself off from receiving anything. However, there was no demonic chain on my thoughts, nor a hidden trauma to unearth, Esther noticed. Being stubborn and determined about ideals isn’t bad, so might as well use it on the right path, right?

She told me: “It’s simple, you just need to do a U turn.” I then decided to do it right then, let Jesus protect me and stop protecting myself, ask him to bless me everywhere I go, everywhere someone speaks. It’s not my job to say if they’re in their right place. I’m not anyone’s master, Jesus is their master, Jesus is my master. They’re not my master either. My role is simply to put myself in position to receive what God wants to tell me through them. Even if a person has 70% immaturity and 30% maturity for example, God can use that 30% to speak to me. My part is simple: open my heart to his voice and set aside my self-sufficiency.

I had also absorbed a lot of anti-women ideas, shaped by culture wars and my vision of family and masculinity. I had come to think that women shouldn’t lead or teach, except with obvious calling; and even then, it was hard to accept. Esther helped me see differently: it’s not a story of man against woman, it’s a story of God; his calling, his mission, his Spirit. As Scripture says, in Christ there is neither male nor female in the sense that we measure worth or calling (Galatians 3:28).

Funny that God used a woman to break my anti-women ideas, right? I tell you, God’s a comedian, he’s the one who invented humor lol

A New Way of Living

Since then, I’ve been pushing myself to practice humility intentionally. Friday at the next class, I asked God to bless me, to open and soften my heart. Jesus is the Master; mine and to those who teach. It’s not my job to criticize or control. My job is to trust in his protection: he’ll teach me what I need and spare me the rest. With that, I can breathe. I can relax. And finally taste the life he gives me.

What struck me most about Esther was her boldness. She didn’t spare me the truth. She told me straight up that some of my thoughts were stupid, and staying attached to them was even more so (yes yes, she dared lmaooo). That blew my mind; and it freed me. “The truth will set you free,” right? And what really touched me was seeing her practice live what she teaches: hope, faith, and love. I felt welcomed, not put down; loved and supported with hope and faith that I would grow. I’m deeply grateful to her. And honestly, I’m happy to be a Christian.

Today, I believe Jesus walks before me and stands between me and every person and every thing. Repentance, finally, is simple: a choice, a U turn, and trust. I believe Jesus is good. I believe he loves me. In this love, I’m protected. And in this protection, I can finally... rest! 🥹

Life Goals

1. I want to become a man who knows Jesus, the Prince of Peace. Initially, I simply aimed to be a man of peace, but many seek peace without Christ and find themselves angry under the family roof or elsewhere, far from the image they project in society. Jesus, the Prince of Peace, is the one I want to lean on to be at peace when needed, and at war when needed.

2. I want to become a man who stands firm and straight, wielding the shield of faith. I used to aim to heal from offenses faster and faster, but again, I thought I could achieve this by myself; and I probably would have failed, again and again, until maybe despairing of ever succeeding. With Jesus before me, there’s hope for a better future.

Since this whole thing started, I can’t put into precise words everything that’s happened to me. What I can say though with certainty is this: God is present.

“Great start” you might say! I’m not even halfway through the program and I’m already struggling to sum up the first week and a half. “Everything’s fine” you’ll tell me right ?

Tye Tribbett’s “Same God” is playing in the background, and I can’t help thinking how true that is. God has already worked miracles in my life; He’s pulled me out of worse situations than what I faced this year, and He’ll do it again, even into eternity.

(Are you wondering if the kitchen light is still on???)

Alright! Adventure, here we come!

The shared flat: a willingly taken challenge

I’m not a fan of house shares. I’ve had so many that I wouldn’t recommend them to anyone. Still, even if it’s not pretty all the time, there are real upsides that let me accept the situation and make the best of it instead of getting stuck.

Knowing before I signed up that this wouldn’t be optional, I came prepared: earplugs, a sleep mask, etc. And of course, to avoid running to the supermarket every few days, I brought my entire kitchen and cleaning supplies... only to find out the program’s base had most of it covered! lol

My goal was to make things easier for myself and for my two roommates (both 18, yes, you read that right). I know I should’ve set boundaries from day one, but I didn’t; I tried instead to lead with grace and compassion.

For those who don’t know, I lean toward being a bit manic about order (not borderline, mind you! lol), I like things neat, clean, and organized. Right now, nothing is going according to the plan we discussed the first night. It’s a bit of a cacophony! But honestly, I’m glad to see my heart soften, more patient, more gracious. Is self-control a divine gift or a skill anyone can learn? I’m thrilled to see myself exercising restraint. A few years ago, I’d probably have made heads fly... I’m just saying! lol

Two notable bananas

A few moments stood out to me, judge for yourself in the comments (you’ve got to have your say sometimes am I right):

1. Q.Q. — The art of sharing

I can’t even remember what the letters stand for! Anyway, it’s a sharing exercise (1.1.1.) where every student (and some staff) shares 1 warm moment from their life, 1 traumatic moment (they call it “cold”), and 1 memory from before age ten.

After some staff shared, I realized almost all of them had pretty traumatic pasts. Then I was fourth among the students to go. You can probably guess what I did: I didn’t follow their 1.1.1. structure at all! 😂 I basically told my life story, starting with my maternal grandfather, then my conversion, finishing with DTS and how I got here. An hour-long speech! Hahaha (actually 30 minutes because of translation, but you get it).

I’m generally not shy about opening up and sharing my life story. That said, I usually pick who I share my deepest traumas with, not everyone can handle them properly I believe. But coming here, I chose to give a chance to a better future, to a deeper, truer kind of healing than any I’ve known.

One of the hardest parts is sharing wounds with people I don’t yet trust, since I don’t know them. I took it as an act of faith since we’re basically “forced” to be friends on this island lol

At our first small-group meeting, I told them I didn’t know who to trust, I didn’t know if it was worth it, and maybe in six months I’d never hear from any of them again. While that could be true, a part of me clings to the hope of walking out of these six months with real, lifelong friends.

Letting go of betrayals and wounds, and giving the unknown a chance, if after six months I’ve learned nothing, at least I’ll have made new friends. What’s life without friends?

2. Media fast and leadership: an unexpected moment

A 2 for 1 (because I’m not about to force you to read ten pages of nonsense unless you’re ravenous for extraordinary, non-redundant prose like in a novel... okay, I’ll stop), what a treat lol

During my DTS interview they told me we’d have a nightly media fast from 6 p.m., and students would be expected to put phones in a box provided. How do I tell you I wasn’t thrilled? Imagine me walking out of the interview room! Just kidding. I voiced my objections and then agreed (can you imagine telling God, “Nope, I won’t go because I’m not giving up socials after 6 p.m.”? lol).

How it played out is a different story. I basically don’t have a problem learning from anyone. Put me in a room with 18-year-olds and if I see they have strengths I don’t, I’ll learn from them. But I don’t trust authority, not since everything with my father (maybe I’ll post about that one day).

On the first night, one of my roommates — I’ll call him J — put his phone in the box. Not me, not C (the other roomate). Same the second night. On the third night he stopped. I felt grudges could build if we didn’t address it.

One evening I started a conversation with J. He said he was frustrated being the only one following the rules those first two nights. I told him we’d all put our phones in the box starting Monday. But because C doesn’t speak English and J is American, C wasn’t engaging with our conversations, and that pushed me to find a solution for everyone.

I found an app that lets a user regulate phone usage. J wasn’t sold at first, but he agreed.

After discussing it with my one-on-one, the person assigned to me whom I can count on at any time, he suggested I bring it up with the leaders. I won’t lie: I was HYPER reluctant. In my head, raising it with leaders meant tightening rules and strapping things down. But my mentor said he, too, had been quiet at first when he arrived on site, but over time saw that the leaders here are unusually open to discussion.

Meeting the DTS leader, I felt a first healing happen. I had someone who listened, understood, and was willing to change things if the reasons were sound. She even apologized when I explained that some of her interview comments had hurt me.

When I said earlier that I didn’t trust authority, I see now a possible future where that wound is healed, where I’m no longer bound by past trauma, where I can speak to any leader without putting them under a microscope. Am I losing it? Is it me, or is someone actually ready to carry me the way Jesus calls us to carry one another?

A glimmer of hope

To finish, I’ll admit I was skeptical these next six months would bring anything good. I expected more hurt than healing, but this first experience gives me a glimmer of hope, a small light at the end of the tunnel, you know?

We’re reading a book (among others lol) as a group called “Living from the Heart Jesus Gave You” by J. Wilder, and a passage hit me this morning: “Growth, repair, maturity, and faith development are all intimately tied to relationships. People do need people to achieve wholeness in a fractured world.” — page 14.

I’m a solitude fanatic. I’d much rather be alone on a mountain than stand in the middle of a city pretending to be “surrounded” by people. Yet I’m discovering that being alone freezes you in your beliefs, convinces you you’re always right, and makes you brood in despair thinking no one could ever understand you.

Just reading the first pages of this book makes me see why God brought me here. My hope for healing grows; a solid foundation for my identity is beginning to form.

Staying shut off won’t make me grow, understand the world, or fulfill the dreams God has for me, right?

We’ll see what happens in six months and how I come out of this, but so far — it’s a good start!

PS: I did turn off the light x)

If you're looking for official information about the Discipleship Training School (DTS) I'm attending and the organization behind it, I encourage you to visit their official website where I am going and the international official website.

Now, I'll explain my initial journey and what led me to commit to such a program.

My Relationship with School (Spoiler: It's Complicated)

It's important to know that school and I? No thank you. Definitely not. Already in high school, I was eager to leave the entire school system as quickly as possible and start working.

Today, I'm still stunned by what possessed me to sign up for a school program. Yeah, try to find the intruder in my head.

The Downfall in Korea

It all started in December 2024 (yeah, it sounds like the beginning of a real novel, and admit it, you're loving it kkk). Originally, I went to Korea because a friend invited me to his wedding. Mid-December, you're gonna laugh, we weren't friends anymore, LOL. I found myself stranded in Korea again (if that's not a callback to 2019). But only for a few hours because my older brother came to rescue me out of nowhere. And as many friends pointed out to me: one toxic friendship lost, a family bond renewed; isn't life great? 🥲

From there began the obstacle course. What the heck am I even doing in Korea, seriously? In a country I really don't like at all (a reminder of 2017)? By some miracle, I don't know which one, my best friend was ALSO in Korea. Hello? How is this even happening? What a comfort! You can't even try to challenge God's grace at that moment, I totally admit it.

Anyway, after that, I was really not doing well; I was depressed and everything. There's no need to look further, I couldn't see past my own suffering 😅

The Church by default, Healing as a Bonus

I did what I usually do when things are bad: I clung to him (my best friend) without thinking, because he was my consolation. Personally, church wasn't a priority, but since he was going, I figured, "let's go!" And I'm glad I did, because while I was wallowing in self-pity, I met Christians who are now my friends, and they helped me get back on my feet little by little. To this day, I can say I understand nothing about my life, but I am comforted!

Among these people I met were some from YWAM people who had actually done a DTS. I still remember: when I recounted my troubles, one of them didn't show any emotional distress. On the contrary, she was practically slapping me with truth to bring me back to Christ, to remind me who God is, and to invite His perspective above my own.

The Prayer That Changes Everything

Mid-December, I decide to pray again like never before! I don't know what will come of it, but why not; I'm at rock bottom, so I might as well go for it! I pray like crazy, I walk every evening for 2 to 3 hours, and I ask Him a ton of questions, including:

Where am I going?

To which I believe I hear Him say: "Don't go back to France, don't go to the States, even cancel your tickets, and give Korea a chance."

Do you want to know what went through my head? BOOM.

Me, stay in a country I detest? LOL.

And then He tells me: "Actually, you don't like Korea because you haven't experienced it with Me."

I told myself I would take a few days to decide. And then, the crazy thing happened: God spoke to me non-stop for two hours, I couldn't get a word in! It had been a long time since that had happened. Essentially, He invited me to understand the theme of my season: peace. He showed me that I had had a flawed understanding of it for years due to earlier traumas, and that it wasn't viable or trustworthy in my eyes. He showed me where my beliefs came from, and I was able to understand that my comprehension was mistaken. Today, I still don't quite understand, I admit, lol, but I'm making progress little by little.

The Discovery of Gadeok: "Calm Crazy People"

A few days later, I decided to cancel my tickets and expect the best. I rediscovered a certain joy for life. I met a guy named Hanse, and that guy, what a sweetheart! He helped me with all my steps, we often went out, he never let me down or abandoned me once. It was incredible.

One day, this guy took me to a youth camp run by YWAM, and there, I met a lot of strange people; they were like calm crazy people, you know what I mean? They're intelligent, rational, they seem mature and thoughtful, but crazy because you can feel the madness they have for Jesus. They talk about Him almost every 5 seconds! They can't even get a sentence out without Him, LOL.

It was exactly at that moment that I told myself I was in Korea to be with them. I had been wondering for a while why God had told me to give Korea a chance, and meeting them, it was like it all made sense. I didn't even need to think for 40 years to understand that I was going to love my life with them.

Except these people don't live in Seoul; they live in Gadeok, on a small island in the south of Korea. A godforsaken place, lol, but personally, that excited me more than anything! Leaving the city, leaving the crowds, what a pleasure!

Settling on the Island

Once I arrived on the island in May, I was welcomed with open arms into their public program, which includes a worship gathering on Monday mornings, a church service on Thursday evenings, and everyone attends the church of their choice on Sundays.

I absolutely loved being among them, helping out whenever I could, and simply being blessed by their presence... But it's important to know that from the moment I arrived, I faced challenges. And week after week, they started inviting me to do something that went against everything I believed in. Something unthinkable for me: going back to school. In the next post, I'll tell you how I resisted... and why it didn't work 🤦😹

Click on “Previous” to continue reading

It's worth noting that from the moment I arrived, I faced challenges. For example, one of the first incredibly frustrating challenges for me was seeing them live on donations. I found it so strange. I couldn't wrap my head around it, and even today, I still don't understand (My brain's perfectly fine, lol).

Resistance to the DTS

Week after week, they kept inviting me to do a DTS, mainly Haeyoung. But personally, I was against it. Why? Good question! I operate on the principle that I wouldn't survive a school: the rules, I'm anti-structure, anti-any educational institution. Tell me in the comments if you want a full exposé on that, hahaha!

Besides that, since my conversion in 2018, I've met so many Christians who have done schools and training programs but, in my opinion, are still as immature as they were before. Not everyone grows, of course, but the number is still quite high, which is why I've questioned the effectiveness of such programs. I literally preferred to let God guide me and help me grow and evolve. But it's true, it was unimaginable that He would invite me to do a DTS.

The Turning Point: A Leader's Invitation

At the beginning of September, I was invited to join the DTS by one of the base leaders. That's when I really started to think. Discussing it with my friend, who reminded me of our conversation back in December, she recalled that when she asked "why wouldn't you do DTS?", I had answered (thinking it would never happen anyway) that I'd consider a DTS if I were invited by a leader. We had a good laugh, as I've actually been invited by three! 😮

I then began to question more deeply the whys and hows, debating whether a DTS would be a good idea or not. I wavered between these two extremes for many weeks. Many friends encouraged me to do it, but others also pushed me to postpone it until next year if I truly wanted to, arguing that hastily made decisions aren't always the best. Add to that some negative experiences from friends, and the scales felt uneven.

The Fundraising Challenge

On Sunday, September 14th, I had a meeting with two leaders to determine if DTS was right for me. There are some aspects I'm not thrilled about, I'll admit (like living with people, for example……… 😭), but overall, the two-and-a-half-hour meeting went very well!

What happened that day was quite simple: I was heavily challenged on my finances. I explained that since I didn't have the funds, I would wait until the last day before the start of the program to see if I had the means, and only then would I take the step to definitively enroll. I was gently corrected, and I understood that I couldn't do that because letting money control me was making money my God. On Monday the 15th, I spent my day walking and planning this blog. The real turning point though, the one that have sealed my commitment for good, was a few days prior actually. And believe me, I didn't see it coming!

Wednesday, September 10th, just like any other time, my friends came over for dinner. What really struck me was the profound sense of family. This idea that I am seen, my struggles and pains noticed, even though I've done nothing to earn it.

I used to think I was invisible, just another face in the crowd, nothing special. Yet, they saw my heart. Even Isaac prayed for me at youth camp back in February 🥹

What truly convinced me to join this DTS was the genuine spirit of these individuals, the love I felt through Philippe's authority, and the freedom and maturity expressed in their prayers. I cried so much that night; I felt seen without any merit, loved without any reason, supported just because… I exist! 😲

For a long time, I’ve been searching for a place where I could truly heal, grow, and become the man God calls me to be. But I often thought I’d never find anyone to help me get there, and that I’d always just manage on my own until God would bring the right people into my life.

It seems YWAM Gadeok might just be the perfect place for me. The people there are incredible, and even if their lifestyle isn't exactly for me, there’s an aspect here where the foundation I need to build the rest of my life upon is potentially attainable.

Divine Logic

When I arrived in Korea, I didn't plan on staying. Yet, I felt like I heard God inviting me to remain, and one thing led to another, and I ended up on this island. There's a compelling logic to it all: God wants me to heal through community. I think I can trust Him in the community He has chosen.

I embrace the unknown, the challenge, the sacrifice of my independence and comfort, at least for a time. I have no vision for the future, how I will live it, or how He will provide, but His love surpasses all things and every obstacle.

My Expectations and Goals

These upcoming six months of DTS, I feel I'm going to die to myself, suffer, question my entire life, and be molded like never before. But at the same time, I also hold this hope for a deeper understanding of God's love, and perhaps, who knows, an even greater supernatural experience of it.

My two ultimate goals for this DTS:

1. Leadership: If I ever want to become a leader, it's difficult without first serving under leadership. The disciples learned by serving and obeying Jesus. By putting myself in an uncomfortable situation, I believe I can achieve a more impactful personal growth for the rest of my life. I have suffered throughout these past years due to careless and inconsiderate leadership. Today, I am giving myself the chance to heal from my past and build a solid foundation upon which I can view anyone with status in the church through God's eyes, rather than through the lens of my past sufferings.

2. Healthy Community: My only experience with community dates back to my father's church, and given how that turned out, I've retained a distinctly negative view of it. I've been avoiding every community imaginable simply because I don't want to surrender my independence to anyone. The goal here is to experience a community that isn't cult-like; a community founded on God's love, not under the sole authority of a single individual.

The Blog Plan

The plan I have in mind is to maintain this blog as a daily journal. Everyone is invited to follow along. By subscribing, you'll receive weekly updates on my adventure. I intend to be raw, tough, and truthful; in other words, real. Both the good and the bad. I'm not doing this for you, but for myself, to keep a record of what I'm going through. Also, because keeping a written journal is a bit harder for me. I find it easier and more motivating to keep up with digital content than with paper (but I have a feeling they'll push me to do it on paper, lol).

If you feel led to support me on my journey, I would be incredibly grateful! And if you can't support me financially, please feel free to share my blog! I never wanted to make a call for donations, but this is an experience that greatly humbles me, and frankly, if I have the means to fund the school before September 23rd, it will truly be a miracle!

Thank you all! And if you have any questions, don't hesitate to write them in the comments or privately! 😄

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